An evening of grace

 

"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger." ~Buddha

"Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress." ~Mahatma Gandhi

"Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend." ~Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"The quieter you become, the more you can hear." ~Baba Ram Dass

"My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness." ~Dalai Lama

"The kingdom of God is within you." ~The Gospel of Luke

Since it is Epiphany, I will share one more Christmas story. I attended the late service at Christ Church on Christmas Eve with my mom this year. 

Before I went, I wasn't feeling very Christmasy. Tracy and I decided to buy some things for our home instead of shopping for one another this year - which was a good decision that we were both happy with - but it meant we wouldn't wake up on Christmas morning to presents. The weather was also strange with blowing rain, then warmth and sun. I was dieting and therefore not excited about cooking up trays of peanut butter candy. I lost our Christmas cards (and the stamps), so as cards were pouring into our home from our generous and loving friends, I couldn't return the favor. It just didn't feel like Christmas and the more I wanted it to feel like Christmas, the more it didn't.

On the morning of Christmas Eve, my beautiful friend Sarah and her beautiful son, Tom, stopped by to see us. Tom laughed when Woody licked him all over his face and marveled at our ceiling fan and seeing him and his mom opened the doors in my heart a bit. That evening, my brother called and invited us over to eat homemade noodle soup, and we gladly accepted the invitation. The girls, dressed as Christmas fairies, were filled with joy and wonder. We drew pictures together and things did begin to feel a little merry, just a tad bright.

And then, I went to church with my mom. I suppose that if I were to set my "relationship to religion" status, it would be "it's complicated." Not my relationship to God, but religion, which is so often used as a weapon. When I take the Belief-O-Matic test, I turn out to be 100% Unitarian Universalist, but as of yet, I've not attended a Unitarian service. (One of these days, I will, but I currently value my obligation-free weekends beyond measure.)

I was Christened as a baby in the United Methodist Church, raised in an interdenominational church led by and Episcopal priest, and confirmed into the Episcopal Church around the age of twelve. That confirmation was not something I felt in my heart, but something I did, mostly for my mom. I stepped away from the church in my early twenties because my beliefs and practices, my own personal journey with spirit, led me elsewhere. I believe that the pathway of Jesus is one of many pathways to God, and much of the liturgy of the church, I found I could no longer participate in in good faith, even though I sometimes found its ceremony and ritual moving.

I haven't really missed going to church; my spiritual life is quite full, but when I walked into the candlelit sanctuary on Christmas Eve, I remembered a few things that I had forgotten. When the choir began to sing, when the rich, magical aroma of incense began to fill the air, the chakras in my palms activated and I remembered what I love about the Episcopal Church.

The sermon was one of kindness and hope. The music was ethereal. When the lights were lowered after the Eucharist and the kneeling congregation sang Silent Night, I was moved. In that moment, all else fell away. It was simply spirit, simply love -- the communal channeling of God energy. It could have been a church or a forest or a beach. It was the energy that reached me, the love.

I remembered that even though most of the words of the service are words that I can't bring myself to recite, there are other words that  wrap around concepts of peace and bliss and charity with poetry and grace. Words like these from the Opening Acclamation:

Almighty God, to you all hearts are open, all desires known, and from you no secrets are hid.

And these from the book of Isaiah:

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who lived in a land of deep darkness--on them light has shined. You have multiplied the nation, you have increased the joy; they rejoice before you as with joy at the harvest, as people exult when dividing plunder. For the yoke of their burden, and the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor, you have broken as on the day of Midian. For all the boots of the tramping warriors and all the garments rolled in blood shall be burned as fuel for the fire. For a child has been born for us, a son given to us; authority rests upon his shoulders, and he is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

And so I came to Christmas this year, or Christmas kindly came to me, in both the most likely and most unlikely of places. 

There was a family in the congregation that night who were also parishioners at my childhood church. It had been many years since I'd seen them. When we shook hands and wished one another Merry Christmas, it was familiar and warm and I was so, so glad to see them. I was glad to be there, in the church, well past midnight, glad to hear the organist finish the recessional as the small group that had gathered around her burst into spontaneous applause, glad to pass the peace with people who had never met me before, who saw that I did not kneel when they knelt or cross myself when they did or genuflect when I was supposed to, but who held my hand in theirs and wished me well with love in their hearts and eyes and voices with no desire to persuade me to be anything other than what I am.

Comments

[Sherri S.]

Hi--

I'm sort of a lurker; I emailed you once to say that I'm from Lexington, too, and that I liked your blog. This post really speaks to me: I had the same experience a few months ago. I wasn't really raised with any religion; dabbled with converting to Catholicism, I think because many of my friends were Catholic (hello, Christ the King!) when I was a teenager; and now I just practice my own brand of spirituality, much of which is focused on nature and Buddhist teachings. BUT: when I went to an Episcopal service, I felt a surge of...something. It was nice, and I just accepted the message of peace, love and community. Anyway, happy new year!

[Olivia]

A beautiful story, Lori-Lyn. I also appreciate the Belief-O-Matic quiz, which says I am a Hindu! Arghhh! LoveHubbie and I are trying to find a place where LoveHubbie can establish himself and find like-minded people. I have a rich spiritual life outside of church, and don't much care where we attend as long as it's a loving place.

Again, I found your story inspirational :) love, O

[Sam]

Hearing Isaiah always makes me want to listen to Handel's Messiah. How wonderful that you had this loving experience and it brought Christmas to your heart!