the dream life

Unravelling

I took this picture today as part of Unravelling. I haven't been writing about that project because I don't want to accidentally reveal any of the course's content, but I will say that it's an interesting journey and unravelling a beautiful word that pulls my mind in a variety of directions.

Lately I've been considering the idea of identity. What makes us us?

Lately I've been wondering what it is that lives in my core. What is the light that shines in the most hidden room in my heart? What is essentially me?

I've been wondering what words I would put on a list if I made a list of qualities that described me. 

Is it our desire that makes us who we are or is it what's left when desire is fulfilled?

How I spent my fall vacation: day six

So.

Today.

Today was interesting. For hours it masqueraded as a less than satisfactory experience. I woke up on a funk and just got funkier (but not in a good way.) I drifted around for most of the morning, completely forgot about my writers group, then went to the grocery where I walked around rather aimlessly. 

This afternoon I found out that something I'd been looking forward to all week is mostly likely not going to happen and though it should have been a mild disappointment, it hit me much harder. There was a lot of weight in that small shift and I struggled with how to release the bitter sadness and fear that was about this disappointment but also tied to a much bigger issue.

I sat outside for a while, I cried, and finally I went to my space and light the candles and pulled some cards and thought about the messages I saw there. 

How I spent my fall vacation: day five

I neglected to mention yesterday that in addition to experiencing the ethereal floaty sensation and rearranging the house, I made these. They were quite good. You're thinking that my vacation has been a little food-heavy and you're right. This will most likely continue. It continued this morning when I ate two of those cookies for breakfast. It's not my fault that chocolate goes so well with coffee.

This vacation is a regret-free zone, so I didn't feel guilty about those cookies at all and I didn't beat myself up for not making it to the Carnegie Center yesterday to contribute to the world's largest short story, even though I had intended to.

How I spent my fall vacation: day four

Normally, my massage appointments are in the evenings after work but since I'm not working this week, I experienced the luxury of a mid morning massage. There is no bad time for a massage. I would wake up at three o'clock in the morning and go get a massage, but I did wonder what it would be like to show up for my appointment without the detritus of a work day weighing me down.

(This is me getting ready to leave for it, standing in my new cleared out work space, which may not look cleared out to you but is, believe me)

The answer is, it was fantastic and wonderful.

How I spent my fall vacation: day two

Last night we ate giant popcorn and watched Dracula, which made me think of this:

which made me think of this, the inspiration for my ankh-wearing of 1985-89.

This morning I threw away another couple of bags of stuff (still can't tell a difference in that room), did some dance club dancing in the privacy of my own home, and made the agave nectar vanilla cupcakes from Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World.

The afternoon held within it the most delicious adventure; I went with a friend  to a party at the home of a an artist I admire. Oh, it was good in that inspiring-remind-you-things-about-life-you-may-have-forgotten sort of way.

From there, we headed to marching band practice, and after that Tracy and I went to my parents' house to celebrate my brother's birthday (the reason for the cupcakes).

How I spent my fall vacation: day one

I am determined to get the house in some sort of shape at the beginning of my week so that I can enjoy it during the later part of the week and return to work with a better state of affairs around here. Last night I was all inspired to start working on the office. I succeeded in pulling piles of stuff out into the middle of the floor (and watching the movie Shrink, which I loved), but only one tiny area got organized.

This morning was not the time, however, to dive back in. This morning was the time to drink coffee and make a huge shopping list. Tracy and Woody were sleeping in the next room, so I couldn't very well go banging around in there. When finally they decided to brave this cold grey day and get out of bed, Tracy agreed to go with me for lunch and groceries and the co-op.

Fall vacation starts now

My vacation started at 5 p.m.

I originally requested this week with plans to spend it in New York. That trip, however, wiggled out of my grasp. The person I would have been visiting is here this week anyway, so it's all good. As it always is with my vacations, I have this huge list of things that I want to do; I have a lot of plans but the most important one is just to roll with it. 

I’m not going to stress over the vacation. I’m not going to freak over the preciousness of time and how much housework I want to get accomplished and all of the things I want to do and see and my mounting social calendar. I’m also not going to sit around like a lump for seven days staring at the television.

Here’s what I’m going to be: present in each moment.

And here’s what I’m going to do: record it all for your consumption.

The wild heart; this place

Early in this life, people begin to ask you who you are. They want to know what you're going to be when you grow up and what they mean is, what you are going to do for a living. When they ask you to dream, they ask you to dream about this. As an adult, when you meet someone, they typically want to know what you do and when they ask you what you do, they mean how is it that you make your money. What name have you claimed for yourself, they want to know. What do you contribute, what is your skill.

During my life, when I've assessed my life (a frequent endeavor), I've thought about what I want to do. I've asked myself the question about what I want to be and I've answered with inclinations and interests that point toward careers and vocations. I've tried to figure out who I am as it is defined by what I do. I’ve tried to figure out the thing I could do, the label I could adhere to myself, that would lead to fulfillment for myself and others. What, I have asked myself, is my purpose in the larger world.

I have always felt internally and externally a pressure to pick something, to name myself something, to define myself by the measure of a career--either feasible or fantasy.

But I don't like being defined in one way and one way only. Whenever I announce myself to the world as a writer or a Reiki practitioner or a teacher or a psychic or a whatever, I start to feel trapped and edgy.  As soon as I put a label on myself, the other parts of myself rise up and demand a voice. Somewhere in my head, I possess some really powerful and tenacious beliefs about those labels and almost as soon as I claim them, I rebel.

Joe, she's written 65 songs...65. They're all about you. They're all about pain.

I'm telling her that I feel blocked at my heart chakra. I keep touching my chest as I tell her this and finally she says to me, you know that's not your heart, that's your throat.

Without warning, it stopped. The desire was gone. The blog felt done. 

I decided to go on hiatus, to wait until I knew for sure, but part of me very much wanted to delete the archives and shut up. It wasn't you. I love you. It was me. I sure was tired of me.

Things had become so heavy around here.

Masking & breaking free

If I had to create a visual symbol of what it’s like to be me right now, it would be me inside an egg made of concrete with breaks and cracks and fractures all over it because the whole thing is getting ready to fall away.

Not to be overly dramatic or anything.

Because I’m on this cusp, this dawning of a new phase, I’m thinking a lot about authenticity and what that really means. I’m thinking a lot about the various masks I wear. We all have, I think, different sides to our personalities. We speak and behave in different ways with different people. Some friendships bring out certain parts of us, other friendships honor other parts – that’s natural and normal and good, but I don’t enjoy and have never enjoyed the sensation that anyone with whom I spend a significant amount of time doesn’t really know me.

On pain and talking to oneself

I completely understand how people get hooked on painkillers*. Back pain is the suck. I’ve had for years an on again off again situation with my lower back. It used to be localized to the right side and the first time I had a Reiki treatment, the practitioner sensed it and asked me what was going on in that area. I said that I didn’t know but that I sometimes had pain there and she said that it felt like something was twisted. Hmmm, I thought, interesting, but it just wasn’t that severe. I could manage it with massage therapy or heat packs. For periods of time, it would go away.

Lately

Living the dream of coffee shop writing.

The words I say

When Dave Chappelle was on Inside the Actors Studio, he talked about the word crazy, and how dismissive it is. We see someone doing something we don’t understand, something that pushes one of our buttons, something that maybe we can’t relate to, or something that maybe we can, but don’t want to relate to, and we label it--crazy.

Morning, evening

Our friend Tanya, who also cuts our hair, started working at a salon in our neighborhood. This is great news for me because I find it difficult to get anywhere. Businesses within walking distance of me make me so happy. Even so, even with Tanya mere steps away from my home (aka the giant magnet), I kept putting off and putting off making an appointment. The getting to places is hard for me lately.

A Saturday in the life

8:37 a.m.

9:05 a.m.