the dream life

flow

This is a morning of fresh starts.

The weather broke and I am able to come outside again. Woody got me up early, bless him, and brought me outside where he snuggled in to the wicker sofa on the front porch (his most favorite place) and I covered him with soft throw and he fell back into a deep sleep. It's raining, gently, and cool enough that he needs the cover, cool enough for me to wear a robe over my t-shirt and yoga pants.

I made my coffee and brought it to the table with my laptop and began working on the writing project that's been calling to me, the nonfiction thing that's been nagging at my consciousness. The writing this morning is coming easily, the words flowing on the screen like water.

I'm telling the story I need to tell.

So, Jamie's question, as always, has great resonance for me, Where do you wish to make a fresh start?

On this morning of fresh starts, the fresh start so immediately available and tactile, I turn my attention (again) to my physical well-being and what it means for me to listen to my body. My daily walks were ended by insufferable heat and humidity this summer and not replaced. The yoga mat languishes next to my meditation altar. 

I wish to make a fresh start here: in the muscle and bone. Let me begin to move again and move in new ways, stretching open, gathering strength. The walks, the poses, the way my body speaks as it moves through space. I wish to care for my physical self in a new and expansive way so that all aspects of this life flow the way the words are flowing this morning.

for Wishcasting Wednesday, 365project and the August Break.

sending love

Where do I wish to send love today?

To the people downtown who have nowhere to go to get out of this heat.

To the animals sitting in cages.

To my belly, my thighs and my rounded cheeks.

To those who are grieving and those who are lost and those who are asking yet hearing nothing.

To those dear, important aggravating people in my life who push my buttons and activate the negative emotions in me that are my biggest teachers and warning bells.

To my already-loved ones.

To those I want to know better.

To everyone who has ever sat across from me for a reading, or allowed me to place my hand on them to deliver Reiki, and everyone who ever will.

And everyone who ever won't.

To my exes.

And my present.

To those who judge me or dislike me or avoid me.

To those who seek me and applaud me and enliven me.

To the blood and bones of this house where I live.

To the aching vibrant earth and sky.

To every dark narrow crevice of my past, every fold and turn in my brain, every cell of every living creature and every entity everywhere.

I wish for love, pure and wild.

Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.

creative fire

First thing this morning, I read about Connie's prophecy and thought about how her paintings are so alive and how generous she is with her creativity and how diving into her paintings reawakened her self. I am always inspired by Connie.

You see, I have this thing about painting. I'm not a painter but somewhere, in the deep underneath part of my heart, I harbor this secret desire to be one and I think one day, I will be.

The time, however, is not now.

Now is the time, (the guidance has been loud and clear about this), for me to prioritize and focus, so I'm attempting to do that, but it's not one of my strong suits. In my head it goes something like this: Priorities, priorities, what's my number one priority? Oh look, something shiny, wait, what was I doing?

After reading Connie's post, I clicked on to another of my inspirations. When I wake up and realize it's Wednesday, I can't wait to get over to Jamie's and read the Wishcasting question. Today's question, what do you wish for your creativity? seemed particularly compelling.

feeding the beautiful, female

Some Wednesdays, Jamie asks a question and I read it and I an answer comes immediately into my mind. Some days, I read it and I can't find an answer at all. I look inside and nothing floats to the surface. These are the days, I think, when the question is perfect for me because it's pointing to an area of my consciousness that needs attention.

Today was one of those days. I read, How do you wish to nourish your self?, and I felt blank. I didn't want to write about food or self-care, because I've considered those topics quite a bit here, and I knew there was something else tugging at the periphery. 

So, I asked myself again and the answer showed up in a gentle of course sort of way. I have (a lot) more to say on this subject in the coming days, but for now I say this: I wish to nourish my self by surrounding myself with and indulging in the activities that make me feel beautiful.

I almost used the word "reclaim" but I think what I'm doing is actually not reclaiming, but claiming something new for myself, a new way of thinking about who I am in the world. It has everything to do with being female and what that means to me. It has to do with allowing myself to express myself in a full, decidedly sexual, uniquely-me way right now with no qualifiers (no, when I lose weight, etc.) Right now.

It has to do with shoes and oil blends and silky underwear, yes, but it's not really about those things. I'm talking about that precious flame that burns ever constant in the center of a woman's being. I'm talking about keeping that fire alive and living from its core and feeding it what it needs in order to burn.

I've spent considerable time in my life hiding, retreating and muting. Those days are over. I feel a little reinvention is in order, a resurrection of the divine female.

I'm getting rid of the stuff that doesn't feel sparkly and lush and I'm getting rid of the judgements that tell me I'm too this or not enough that. 

I wish to honor  the essence, the magical cabinet of womanly secrets, the jasmine-scented iridescence of seduction. 

I'm putting on the Nina Simone records and slinking around.

Gimlet anyone?

I'm nourishing the female.

envisioning this thing

The class I took on my trip was Sacred Places and Landscapes. It was brief - just five days - but filled with information and experience that lit me up. I loved being in that class. I loved the tutor, I loved the other class members. I loved the evenings when we met for dinner in the dining room at Christ Church and the grace was read in Latin. I loved the sound of the Latin. Because I don't speak Latin, I was able to feel the tone, the intention, without getting tripped up by the actual words. 

I loved visiting Salisbury Cathedral and Stonehenge and I loved getting perspective - new perspective on old ideas. 

I felt, in that class, new pathways being formed in my brain.

Outdoor space

My friend and I walked at the arboretum this morning. It's good for walking, with a paved trail, and good for resting after the walk with gardens and fountains and little spaces. I liked this Alice in Wonderland inspired arrangement

and it made me think of my own backyard, which is overgrown and lacking in shade and and filled now with the reminders of plans that fizzled out and ideas we didn't maintain and gardening we opted not to do.

As we steadily move ahead with clearing and re-envisioning our living space, and now that the weather is warm, I find myself wishing for a backyard make-over. Of the spaces Tracy and I inhabit, it's our outdoor space that seems to need the most attention right now, so even though I wish many, many things for my space, it's that space I'm wishing for today.

A place to sit comfortably alone or with friends, drink and dine, light fires, meditate, commune with the spirits of nature. I wish for fairy flowers and stone pathways and even, maybe, a koi pond. I wish for our backyard space to be a living extension of our indoor space, relaxing and mysterious and beautiful--a place to experience the magic of synchronicity and the signs that live and breathe in nature, calling to us. I want to think about it creatively, expansively, so that it feeds us without necessarily matching up with anyone else's idea of what it should be like.

For now, I'm grateful to have the arboretum so close by,

and my front porch office, and the gardens of England just around the corner...

 

The space I wish to have

Jamie's question this morning, What do you wish to have? Taught me something as soon as I read it. Of course, that question could be answered in a multitude of ways, but my mind went immediately to the material and when it did, I noticed within myself a resistance that I had no idea was there. There's something to heal! 

So, I'm going to tell you about what I wish to have in a real, brick and dollars sort of way. (Because you really can't attract financial abundance if somewhere within your cells, you hold a negative judgement about money and things.) 

I wish to have a space for my business outside of my home. A real office with sign on the door and a parking lot. I wish to have the income to support this space so that when it's ready, I can grow it into a wellness center.

I am grateful for the space and the opportunity I have now. I like my healing room. It's warm and inviting and the energy is positive and loving. There's a comfortable area for me to sit with my clients and plenty of room for me to work. But it will be good to have a dedicated space, other than my home, where I can host events and teach workshops and open up to a wider range of people and experiences. 

My business is growing steadily and for that I am enormously grateful. It feels very strange to be walking away from my clients for six weeks at such a tender and important time in the unfolding of this work, but I also trust that the universe has a plan, that it is responding to my requests,  and that what is growing now will still be here, ready to flourish when I return. I believe that my upcoming journey holds a key or two for me, understanding and experience that I will bring back and share with the people who share with me.

And it would be great, really great, to have a special space in which to call that energy up.

That's what I wish to have. What about you?

 

The experience of purpose

Purpose is a concept that gets thrown around a lot. 

Life's purpose.

Sounds heavy.

You could certainly make the argument that the purpose is simply being, that living and reaching and the end of this life, one has fulfilled his or her purpose. 

I believe, however, as I know many others believe about themselves, that I chose to come here, into this body, and that I did so with a mission. I don't think there's any big cosmic retribution for not completing the mission (or for anything, as a matter of fact). This mission is my plan, something my soul came up with. I believe that living this purpose is the best and easiest way that I can serve the larger of world of which I am one small piece.

Blooming into wellness

Someone has said, "the Universe has imagined it even better than you have." And we like to add to that: The Universe got all of its information about what you like from you, and it has remembered every piece of it and has put it together in perfect formation. And so, the things that are on their way to you are so much better than you even know that you want. And as you allow them, the essence all of these things that the Universe knows that you are wanting make their way to you and appear in perfect timing for you.--Abraham

This is the first time in a long time that I've been in charge of how I spend my time. It still feels a little strange. My sleep patterns are shifting. I'm questioning my priorities at every turn. I'm noticing my self in ways that I couldn't or didn't or wouldn't notice before.  I'm examining beliefs and desires.

Jamie's Wishcasting question, how do you wish to bloom?, comes at an interesting time, because what I've come to experience with great clarity over the past week is how I am standing at this place of simultaneous endings and beginnings.  

I am both moving forward and waiting, listening and speaking. I have the time now, right now, to pay attention to all of the things I've been pushing aside and ignoring. My excuses are gone. I am experiencing the opportunity I've been waiting for and there are, on this road, surprises.

Let's get primal

When I read the Wishcasting Wednesday question for today, What do you wish to take a break from?, I immediately thought, Everything! Of course, that’s not true. I don’t want to take a break from everything. I do, however, wish to take a break.

I have stepped away recently from several beloved activities simply because they were demanding too much of my time or because they required me to know where I was going to be and when I was going to be there.

And I need to take a break from schedules.

I need to turn off alarms and wipe calendars clean and rest. I want to float and remember my essence, how it is that I thrive. I need to remember my internal schedule, dance to my own rhythms, and honor the current of my personal energy. I’ve become, over the last several years, far too distanced from all of that. Forced adherence to external schedules has worn me thin and I need a reboot.

Floating also means letting go of doing for just a while and embracing being instead. I need to take a break from decision-making and weighing options and even, for a little while, envisioning what the future looks like.

I need to be here for a bit, supported by the current of good, washed in light, trusting that all is unfolding as it should, without reaching for the control panel.

I am tired in my muscles and in my bones and in my soul and as spring begins to bloom around me, as the light returns, I want to meet my work with the energy it deserves and be in my body with the focus it deserves. I want to be well-rested and ready to live life in a whole new way, so I'm taking a break from anything that asks me to veer off the course of my essential nature.

This is my fist unfurling.

Travel to that peaceful place of knowing

When I saw the Wishcasting question today, Where do you wish to travel? I knew that it was time for me to write about a few things here instead of just writing around them as I’ve been doing. I decided to go ahead and reveal a plot twist or two that I’ve been, for some reason, saving for later.

So.

When I came back from the holiday break, I gave notice at my job. I’m still there and will be there until the end of March. I have a lot to say about how much I’ve learned at my job and how grateful I am to the people I work with for being so kind and generous toward me, but it was time for me to go, and I have a lot to say about that, too.

For now, I’ll just say that I feel zero fear about this decision. I have been lovingly, strongly, unmistakably guided and I know that the universe supports me.

My plan when I gave my notice was that I would begin massage therapy school in April. I have a lot to say about that, too, but in the interest of keeping this post even remotely readable, I’m going to leave that for now. What happened after I set this plan in motion was that I realized I’d misread the literature and the classes I actually want to take begin in September, not April.

That left me with five or so unplanned for months, which was actually okay with me, because the underpinning of this whole thing is the desire to grow my business and do workshops, Reiki and readings full time so that I can get my wellness center up and running (I know, I know, this is a lot to take in, I’m sorry) so as soon as I realized my error I began to think that really it wasn’t an error at all, that actually it was a gift.

With this gift of time, I could do a lot of things I haven’t been able to do while working with the constraints of a 9 to 5 job and I could let the whole massage therapy thing sit in me for a little while. I could work on my physical strength and I could save money and so that became my new plan.

And then my mother made me an offer. She asked me if I wanted to go with her on the trip to England she was planning this summer. My first reaction was to not even think about it. I declined. I cited the above plan and the need to not spend money. I just kept saying no, no, no, as if the whole idea were completely laughable. My mom goes to England for months at a time. I couldn’t possibly be away for longer than a couple of weeks, I said. This just wouldn’t work out at all.

Living adventure

What story do you wish to live or let go of? That’s Jamie’s Wishcasting question today and I love it. I love it because it gets at the essential nature of being human. We’re all made of story – the stories other people tell us about us and the stories we tell ourselves.

The story I wish to live right now is the story of adventure.

What I mean is, I don’t need to hold on so tight. I don’t have to control everything and weigh the risks and get everything squared away.

I don’t have to be the boss.

During my last massage (getting a massage for me is like deep meditation. I recently found out that some people talk during their massage and I was shocked. How do you talk during that? Anyway…), a word appeared in my head and that word was surrender.

It was accompanied by a dragonfly, the symbol for breaking through illusion, and I knew immediately that the illusion was fear. Yesterday, I was stopped at an intersection and a truck drove past. On the side of it was a huge image of a dragonfly and I thought about that word surrender again and I thought about today during my walk.

It’s not really about faith or trust so much as it is about letting go.

Letting go, I think, is the first step toward adventure, and doesn't that sound fun?

What will happen if I pack a light bag and open the door to adventure? What will come flowing into my life if I just let go?

That’s the story I’m interested in.

Awakening go

When I read Jamie’s Wishcasting prompt this morning, what do you wish to awaken?, the first thing I thought of was a phrase Tracy sometimes uses to describe people. He only bestows this honor on his top peeps; it’s a high compliment. About these people he says, she’s all go, and what he means is, this person lives yes energy all the time. This person is brave and adventurous and up for it, whatever it happens to be.

At this very moment, I wish to awaken my go. I wish to awaken bravery.

How I wish to shine

I wrote to a friend and mentor today that I felt I’d just come through a major paradigm shift. Another friend commented here yesterday that it seems like I’m in a good place right now.

I am. (It’s wild to write that and mean it one hundred percent.)

My experience has cycled into a place where many of the impulses and dreams and desires that I’ve generated over the past few years have come or are coming into fruition. I have clarity; I am tapped in; I see the miracle. I am, for the most part, living in the vortex.

I am proof that you can start where you are and walk a path and transform your life.

Lest you think it’s all wine and roses, I am also proof that the process is messy and cyclical. I know what it’s like to lie on the bathroom floor and cry because things just feel wrong and you don’t know how to make them right. But I also know what it’s like to be filled with love and gratitude so sparkling and immense, you can’t contain it. I know what it’s like to let go and ask for help and I know what it’s like when the help arrives.

In many ways, I feel that I’ve seen some things through, but with every ending, there is a beginning and with the fulfillment of every desire, there is the next one that takes its place, uncovered, unearthed, ready for its moment.

The dream I wish to explore

Jamie’s wishcasting question today, what dream do you wish to explore?, is a perfect one for me right now. The dream I wish to explore is one that I'm not ready to reveal just yet (I promise all will be revealed in time), but what I can say is that I’m bringing into my experience a dream that’s been in the back of my mind for years. Part of my charge to live with passion in 2010 is to take action where action is called for, to take steps toward making dreams a reality instead of waiting for some vague future event to shape them.

So there’s something that I’ve wanted to do for a long time. The idea first came to me years ago when I lived in New York. It came to me and I considered it but it felt a bit like grasping to me, like I was looking for a way out of doing what I was doing at the time and just reached for the nearest other thing. Me being me, I went to a psychic with the question. I asked her, should I do it? and her answer was noncommittal. It’s not that it would be a bad thing, she said, but it’s not THE thing, so I put that idea on hold.